High And Dry?

 So, I've been able to fight a lot of crap off lately. Trying to be duck feathers in the rain. But doesn't a duck get wet on it's skin sooner or later?
 I've had the great opportunity to make new friends, open old friendships into new ones, and also pull in my own thoughts and feelings the last few weeks. It seems though, no matter how a person tries to protect themselves from a downpour, something seeps in. It makes it tough to figure things out when the "rain" finds a chink in your "duck feathers". Do the feathers just give up? NO. They are made to repel moisture. But regardless the physics that make up "duck feathers", there are variables that create weaknesses in the protective layer. Even though these things that compromise the protective layer may be unexpected, it still seems very uncomfortable to get penetrated by them. But when you should have seen the irritant coming, does it make the invasion a more tolerable discomfort? Not in the least......So, I ask, do I hide in the high and dry area? Or just where it's high....

Being Responsible

So, since my grand daughter Sophia passed, I have been a very skeptical, bitter man. Then, Khloe came along, and really did change my view. If you follow this blog, you know how that went. I have since been through a lot of crap, which I brought on myself. Is it directly due to the death of our angel Sophia? Very possible, and I guess I never thought about it. Very possible, though. Anyway, I felt no responsibility or care at all. I can not explain why I went on such a "spree", nor will I try. Not now. But in hindsight, I blame nothing on anyone else. I was not forced to venture out, and leave everything behind. I did it on my own. But I was still very, very bitter and confused, and I suppose I still am. Seeing Khloe's face makes me feel a lot better, but I have to face the fact, that I am still pissed off at the World, at God, at the Universe, whatever or whoever. The death of a child is unacceptable. How can I get back to a "Happy" place?

New Days Ahead

 So, I sit here in my studio, just finished some prep work for today's program of Bowling for Radio, and I am going down my list of things before I go live. I added "Enter post in your Blog, dummy" to the list yesterday. I'm so glad I did.
 I have a picture of my grand daughter, Khloe, as my laptop background, sitting in her hi-chair, waiting for me to feed her some cereal. She's looking at me as if she's saying, "Jeez old man, really?". So expressive and adorable. I know parents and grand parents seem to make things up to assure their kids are smart and cute. But I think she really meant it. Well just look at the picture, and judge for yourself!

 Anyway, I am reminded again of the beauty of life, and the progression, learning, growing we all do. Even when we are 47 yrs old...

It's Been a While...

   I was reminded by a very, very close, personal, loving being, that I have neglected my blog. I was so oblivious to it, with all the shit in my life, and trying to get to a reasonable calmness in it. And especially, the reason I began this blog. The bitter hatred I was beginning to let empower my life, and the reasons for "waking" up.
 Khloe is still the most important part of me, that keeps a breath in my chest, a beat in my heart. My wife and I are working crap out the best we can. I can't believe she actually forgives me for my B.S., and sometimes, I know she really doesn't. Who the hell can blame her? Not only her, but the many I hurt. I did not mean to hurt anyone, I assure you and myself that, but it happened. And I refuse to try to explain my actions. It wouldn't do any good anyway. Still happened, and still the same. I do wake up, and wonder why Sophia was taken from us. It's still the first thing I think of. And then seeing my beautiful, healthy Khloe. God, what a wondrous part of nature! She makes me feel so whole, and so needed. So happy....

Keep That Door Open, Please

 Life is so much funnier and stranger than I could ever imagine. We all know this. Well, most of us do. It's so cool to see things in a new light. With new vigor and confidence, any half-ass intelligent person can see it. Without the cloudy thoughts, I have so many doors opening, and many more to come. This analogy does not mean once I enter a door, that it is what I expected or want, or even if the other side necessarily wants or expects me. It's just so marvelous to see the doors open, and how goofy things are here on earth.

Another Close One

 WOW!! No other way to put this one.
I've been kinda careless as of late. I have had a total of 6 beers in the last week. I really wanted a stiff one today. But, I think of family. What would it hurt for just a pint of cheap vodka? It hurts so much more than it helps. Although I am not too much of a mean drunk, just the fact that I have alcohol on my breathe causes trouble. Not really fair, but oh well...
  So I choose to deal with adversity without booze. Very tough choice, but as I scoot along, trying not to run over any innocent insects along the way, I notice things are clearer, deeper, cleaner. Yes, crisper too.
This clarity is most definitely a reason to stay "sober".  And Khloe, my goof. So happy and content. If she cries, she needs fed or changed. That's it. No fussy baby stuff. She sleeps through the night pretty well. We are so thankful for her. I need her.

Keep Truckin'

 Khloe has not ceased to ease. Eases pain, fear, stress, anger, sadness. Provides euphoria. Perfect drug.
 I have so much going on in this life lately. New opportunities are rising, new dreams dashed, new stuff happening everyday. More stuff than usual? Sure seems like it, regardless of reality or some dreams stuck in my mind. More stuff. A LOT more stuff...
 So, as I keep truckin' on in the journey, I have bumps and potholes in the road like everyone else. The challenge is how you navigate the road. How you, yourself, use the tools available, to make the journey as smooth as possible. Tap the breaks, steer the wheel, press the accelerator. Or, "Pull the trigger, drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads."
 So much anticipation and stress lately in my journey, yet I know they are for good reason. If I were sitting still, stagnant, all would be mellower. Coming at me instead of me charging at them. I chose to take these new challenges on. Head on. And is it wrong to have all of my pain, fears, stress, anger, sadness melt away when Khloe is in my arms; smiling and cooing, melt away? Not wrong.
 It may be all a mid-life deal, all of this turmoil and pressure to change. I get asked all of the time, "Why a radio show?' I always wanted a talk show of my own. So I'm doing it, and hoping for success. Even though I have no real radio voice or talent, I want to share things with others. Have others share with me, and others. A big circle of comments, laughs, discussion, information. But it seems this need to share with people over the "air", has opened doors. New off ramps and hiways...

It Been a While...

 Been SO neglecting my blog.
 I have been trying to focus on "things" to come, while juggling things in the now.
 We've all been there...
  But "things" have accelerated to light speed. Happening too fast? Who am I to judge, or even complain.
Opportunity comes far and few between, and sometimes not at all. And with new doors opening, old close behind. Seems so simple when you describe these chances as opened doors. But what of the inevitable changes?                                   
 Khloe is thriving; growing and learning every day. So bright and fresh. New, to describe her and be simplistic. New opportunities daily. Her teeth will soon begin to "cut". An opportunity to advance to the next door in life. Painful, and yet a necessary step. Inevitable.
 We've all been there...

Downhill?

 So I learned a bit about missed-communication today. Not the misunderstood missed-communication. The whole real black and white lettering not showing up in a chat or email type. Totally missed, and at a very important part of the whole essence of the conversation. I feel terrible that I missed it. And it may never be written or said again! I hate that!
 If this type of frustration comes into a life, is it enough to get upset about? I think so, when it's so important to hear and be heard about intimate, heartfelt, honest things.
 I feel too that it is a missed opportunity. An opportunity to share, and feel wanted and, yes, loved. Even if it is no ones fault? A simple electronic glitch? Yep, even then. It hurts to feel rejected...

Où Avez-vous, Ma Beauté

 Where did you go, my beauty?
 Sophia was born one year ago today. What a huge impact such a small being has had on us. I admit, I almost forgot her birthday, but she was born on her Auntie Connie's birthday, so that reminds.
 So sad, her loss.
 Looking at her lil' sis Khloe, I wonder how much Sophia would have looked like her, acted like her. She would have been a joy at any comparison. Just wonder.
 As emotions go, today is a day to remember her, and I am thankful, yet bitter, about her short life here. I miss her with tears and a broken heart. Choked up as I write this crazy blog of mine. Such a long, country ride my emotions and feeling are. Bi-polar? Possibly. Just real. Too real at times.
 I have had rare fortunes handed to me, and I am thankful. Recently, a long lost friend has re-entered my crazy mixture of a life, and has helped me beyond wonder itself. I feel liberated to make a connection, and amends.
Je suis reconnaissant pour vous....

I Wanna Wake Up Where You Are...

Don't suppose I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
Something I can't change
I'll live around it


And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults


I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at al

I hate to copy/paste, but these lyrics are like I wrote them. My feelings are bound up in a ball, but regardless, it's how I feel.....

Stretch

 I'm so exhausted. I have stretched my thoughts and feelings; mind, heart, and soul the last 26 hrs. I know how I feel, but it's still is painful. Tears can't soak my eyes and cheeks anymore, because they are gone. Not that they are invisible, just have no meaning. The salt is there, the moist, blurry eyes. Just can't feel them. I am so tired of asking why. Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe 15/20. It's way too late to feel like this, right? A shimmer, no, a glimmer, maybe yet, a sliver of light faded. Suppose it did long, long ago, but light is eternal. Does it fade or just go away? Can it truly fade once it's seen?

Any Lighthouse is in View

 Learned more in the last 24 hrs than ever in my 48 yrs. Chatting, Reminding, Asking, and most Beautifully, Gracefully, Being Herself... dork

Mother's Day

 Happy Mother's Day, you mother. Great old saying we guys used to tell each other on Mother's Day. But seriously, Happy Mother's Day to you real Moms!
 My mom died from cancer on January 2, 2000. Of course I miss her very much, and her painful death made me even more bitter toward, well, life in general. Why would someone so innocent and kind be subjected to such punishment? No one can truly answer that throbbing question, even though many Bible thumpers try, they really don't and can't know. Only the Father knows.
 But why? Honestly. Obviously, her death did not help my drinking. I hit it hard during and after her suffering. I asked why and drank to forget and remember. Hell, I just drank no matter what. But now I had a real excuse, right?

A Few Days Off

 Hi all. I have taken a couple of days off from my blog. I have no excuse, just not going too well around here, and I refuse to turn this blog into a cry baby, sympathy getting ploy. We simply need to work some things out in our home, and we are. It's painful, but we can do it. This blog does help, but so much is happening, I need to focus on keeping my temper cool right now...

May Day

 May Day! May Day! May Day! I've always wondered what that meant, and where the saying came from. It actually comes from a French phrase venez m'aider, meaning 'come help me'. Nothing to do with the 1st of May, the communist "Labor Day".
 Anyway, I need to put out an SOS. Wait, Where did that term come from? It was ...---... in morse code, then later attached "save our ship" and/or "save our souls", just for a reminder if someone couldn't remember the ...---...code. Really?? How can you forget that?
  I stumbled and drank some vodka yesterday. I'm a loser. I am so pissed and depressed over my failure. The great news is, I can start over.......

It's My Friday

 Well, I drive to Seattle tonight to deliver some junk for the Feds, then pick some up headed for Salt Lake City. Same old thing, just a different night. Except this is my Friday! I'm going to come home and spend the day with Khloe. Oh ya, I have to meet my brother-in-law in town for some chores, but then I want to BBQ tomorrow too. I hope the wind doesn't blow too hard. Dang I need to get my F250 running, and my '64 Chev. Corey wants to go golfing Monday. I will do that! I haven't gone in over a month. A lot to do, and never enough time, help, or money.
No big deal! I just need to keep my I on the prize. I will get done what I can...

How To Keep a Fire Going

 Well, I was going to be silent today. I thought maybe I would hide my frustration. With a lot of things. How does that happen? I'm trying to figure it out. I think it's because I'm being selfish. I was doing some chores while watching Khloe this afternoon, and I felt like the world was closing in on me. No one else, just me.
 But Why does it happen? That's one I have yet to figure out. Am I missing the reason why? Is it the same reason as how? Maybe, but in this adventure of making a new me, I tend to over-think things. I think.

Will Spring Be Here Soon?

 As I sit here with Khloe, I'm looking out my living room bay window down over the Wenas Valley. Can't see Mt. Rainier or Mt. Adams today. Cloud covered and snowing another 18 to 36 inches up there again. Does the weather really affect my mood? It's really not too bad here today. 56 and partly cloudy, my wild plum and nectarines are blooming. Pretty nice.
 Would I feel a bit better if it was 82 and sunny? Great question, I ask myself. But then I look back down at my granddaughter, and realize HERE is my sunshine. Daily dose of Vitamin E!!
 Am I setting myself up for a huge fall if, God forbid, anything was to happen to her? Probably but I am supposed to dive in whole hearted, right?

Keep Trying

 I took a couple of days off from writing in my blog. Easter weekend. We had a great time with the kids. It's such a strange feeling buying Easter Baskets then realizing your kids are 19 and 20 years old! Then again, we still have my little nieces Kaitlynn and Lily, and of course, Khloe. It was her 1st Easter. Being less than two months old at the 1st Easter is kind of a bummer, but we got some awesome pictures.                                                     I didn't drink any hard liquor, either!! Just Rolling Rock beer.

 Any way, I have been thinking more about the future, mostly the immediate future. We are struggling financially, but are ok. That pressure does not help when a person is trying to change, but the show must go on, break a leg, go get'em and all that positive crap...

Things Will Be Ok

 I slept in a bit this afternoon. I wanted to go down and have my studded tires taken off and regular season tires put on. Oh well, as it happens, Corey took of to the Tri-Cities with my work stuff in the back of the Jeep anyway. Poor kid had to turn around and drive back home. Well, he didn't have to, but he has an extreme case of intuition. So it worked out for the best anyway. I have a hole the size of the Grand Canyon in one of my studded tires, so I needed the Jeep to go to work!
 The point here is, no one gives a sh*t about what happens to you during times of troubles. It does seem that the small stuff builds up to big deals, though. People do give a sh*t about how you react to things. It's been so easy to get angry, depressed, stressed, etc. about crap. I fed and changed Khloe, and spent about 45 minutes of gaga-googoo time with her. then I thought,"Why not just look around and say to yourself, Things Will Be Ok..."

Frustration Sets In

 Even though I believe things are getting better, I fall down a couple rungs of the ladder.
 I don't need to explain the financial situation most everyone is in, but ours is pretty dire. My employer found a way to basically eliminate and even take back part of a Federally mandated raise. I am barely making ends meet. And, again, I don't need to explain how that can make a person want to soak in self-pity, and then dry out with hard booze. I will just keep my family and new addition, Khloe, in mind. I have to drive to Seattle tonight, and try to keep my chin up.

Absorbing the Moments

 Now that I have two adult children, I know now how quickly the time flies.
 It seems like yesterday Sarah and Corey were hunting Easter eggs (they probably still will this weekend!). So, I have been soaking in every second I can with Khloe. I even wake up early to spend a couple of precious hours with her, helping her mom a bit. She is the first thing that crosses my mind.
 I need to use this time wisely, as well. I'm trying to change my bitter view on life. Khloe's face helps. Sarah, Corey, and Shel's do as well, but this is different. I have an opportunity to change, and change ME first. That will shine through to all around me in the long run...

Goofy

 Khloe is very happy and healthy. Is this why I nicknamed her "Goofy"? Yes! She smiles at us and is such a great baby. Of course she gets cranky, but it's real simple to figure out why. She's either hungry, has dirty a diaper, or a sour tummy.
Using the joy I have when I think of her is changing me, just not over night. I still probably drink too much, but I know I am slowing down, and I am afraid of quitting cold turkey, with or without help. And I don't claim to be another Charlie Sheen, healing myself. But I want to try this way. Expressing myself on a blog, and knowing I am trying to do the right thing.

 So next time I think I need hard liquor, I think of my GOOFY...

Using the Time Wisely

 Now that I'm a grandfather again, I find myself absorbed with the thoughts of Khloe, and how I told myself to "be guarded" on getting too attached. Losing Sophia was just to much for all of us.
 But, of course, we go on.
 Our family has taken a lot of hits in the local paper's obituary section lately, including my father.
 But, of course, we go on.
 I do not want people to think I am the only one who has been forced to grind through the day, but I just choose to express what I know about my feelings here. I have not totally hidden my anxiety and defeat, but 95% is suppressed.

 So now that I have thrown out the "be guarded" plan, I struggle, sometimes, with my concentration (except when driving my truck). I am learning to funnel my love and euphoria over Khloe, to a place that makes me a better person. I guess some would say that's a sign of low self-esteem, but I define it as my old "who gives a shit" attitude from my past; distant and not-so distant. But, none the less, I know I am changing slowly, real slowly, but a change anyway...

How Khloe is Changing This Bitter Soul

 Khloe Ryanne came into my life on Monday, March 7th, 2011. It was a cool, late winter day, and I was hung over from Black Label Scotch the night before. I took my daughter, wife, and Sean, Khloe's father, to the OB/GYN, and he told her to go next door to the hospital and check in.
 It was time.
 I felt so nervous for Sarah, my daughter, as she lost my first granddaughter from complications due to premature birth.
 Sophia Nahomish died at Seattle Children's Hospital, and it was devastating. I feel terrible to this day that I was not there that horrible morning...
 Memorial Hospital in Yakima would not allow more than 3 people with the expecting mother, so I volunteered to go home and wait. I was hung over, remember?
  Khloe's term in the womb was a very guarded, cautious pregnancy. I prayed daily, hourly, every time I could. Sarah had obvious problems carrying babies to their full term. Drugs, diet, and rest assisted the health of Khloe at birth.
 After a few hours, I got the call that I was a Grandpa. I was still so nervous, I could feel my heart about to explode. I couldn't breathe. Great. Another panic attack. I went to the local florist, then to the hospital.

 There she was. She was not even one hour old. The nurses were fussing over her, giving shots, cleaning, placing ointment on her not-yet-opened eyes. 6lbs, 4oz. What a relief! She was crying when a nurse would poke or prod her. Another good sign...