Keep That Door Open, Please

 Life is so much funnier and stranger than I could ever imagine. We all know this. Well, most of us do. It's so cool to see things in a new light. With new vigor and confidence, any half-ass intelligent person can see it. Without the cloudy thoughts, I have so many doors opening, and many more to come. This analogy does not mean once I enter a door, that it is what I expected or want, or even if the other side necessarily wants or expects me. It's just so marvelous to see the doors open, and how goofy things are here on earth.

Another Close One

 WOW!! No other way to put this one.
I've been kinda careless as of late. I have had a total of 6 beers in the last week. I really wanted a stiff one today. But, I think of family. What would it hurt for just a pint of cheap vodka? It hurts so much more than it helps. Although I am not too much of a mean drunk, just the fact that I have alcohol on my breathe causes trouble. Not really fair, but oh well...
  So I choose to deal with adversity without booze. Very tough choice, but as I scoot along, trying not to run over any innocent insects along the way, I notice things are clearer, deeper, cleaner. Yes, crisper too.
This clarity is most definitely a reason to stay "sober".  And Khloe, my goof. So happy and content. If she cries, she needs fed or changed. That's it. No fussy baby stuff. She sleeps through the night pretty well. We are so thankful for her. I need her.

Keep Truckin'

 Khloe has not ceased to ease. Eases pain, fear, stress, anger, sadness. Provides euphoria. Perfect drug.
 I have so much going on in this life lately. New opportunities are rising, new dreams dashed, new stuff happening everyday. More stuff than usual? Sure seems like it, regardless of reality or some dreams stuck in my mind. More stuff. A LOT more stuff...
 So, as I keep truckin' on in the journey, I have bumps and potholes in the road like everyone else. The challenge is how you navigate the road. How you, yourself, use the tools available, to make the journey as smooth as possible. Tap the breaks, steer the wheel, press the accelerator. Or, "Pull the trigger, drop the blade, and watch the rolling heads."
 So much anticipation and stress lately in my journey, yet I know they are for good reason. If I were sitting still, stagnant, all would be mellower. Coming at me instead of me charging at them. I chose to take these new challenges on. Head on. And is it wrong to have all of my pain, fears, stress, anger, sadness melt away when Khloe is in my arms; smiling and cooing, melt away? Not wrong.
 It may be all a mid-life deal, all of this turmoil and pressure to change. I get asked all of the time, "Why a radio show?' I always wanted a talk show of my own. So I'm doing it, and hoping for success. Even though I have no real radio voice or talent, I want to share things with others. Have others share with me, and others. A big circle of comments, laughs, discussion, information. But it seems this need to share with people over the "air", has opened doors. New off ramps and hiways...

It Been a While...

 Been SO neglecting my blog.
 I have been trying to focus on "things" to come, while juggling things in the now.
 We've all been there...
  But "things" have accelerated to light speed. Happening too fast? Who am I to judge, or even complain.
Opportunity comes far and few between, and sometimes not at all. And with new doors opening, old close behind. Seems so simple when you describe these chances as opened doors. But what of the inevitable changes?                                   
 Khloe is thriving; growing and learning every day. So bright and fresh. New, to describe her and be simplistic. New opportunities daily. Her teeth will soon begin to "cut". An opportunity to advance to the next door in life. Painful, and yet a necessary step. Inevitable.
 We've all been there...

Downhill?

 So I learned a bit about missed-communication today. Not the misunderstood missed-communication. The whole real black and white lettering not showing up in a chat or email type. Totally missed, and at a very important part of the whole essence of the conversation. I feel terrible that I missed it. And it may never be written or said again! I hate that!
 If this type of frustration comes into a life, is it enough to get upset about? I think so, when it's so important to hear and be heard about intimate, heartfelt, honest things.
 I feel too that it is a missed opportunity. An opportunity to share, and feel wanted and, yes, loved. Even if it is no ones fault? A simple electronic glitch? Yep, even then. It hurts to feel rejected...

Où Avez-vous, Ma Beauté

 Where did you go, my beauty?
 Sophia was born one year ago today. What a huge impact such a small being has had on us. I admit, I almost forgot her birthday, but she was born on her Auntie Connie's birthday, so that reminds.
 So sad, her loss.
 Looking at her lil' sis Khloe, I wonder how much Sophia would have looked like her, acted like her. She would have been a joy at any comparison. Just wonder.
 As emotions go, today is a day to remember her, and I am thankful, yet bitter, about her short life here. I miss her with tears and a broken heart. Choked up as I write this crazy blog of mine. Such a long, country ride my emotions and feeling are. Bi-polar? Possibly. Just real. Too real at times.
 I have had rare fortunes handed to me, and I am thankful. Recently, a long lost friend has re-entered my crazy mixture of a life, and has helped me beyond wonder itself. I feel liberated to make a connection, and amends.
Je suis reconnaissant pour vous....

I Wanna Wake Up Where You Are...

Don't suppose I'll ever know
What it means to be a man
Something I can't change
I'll live around it


And I'll do anything you ever
Dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothing that fall
May put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Could you whisper in my ear
The things you wanna feel
I'll give you anything
To feel it comin'

Do you wake up on your own
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults


I wanna wake up where you are
I won't say anything at al

I hate to copy/paste, but these lyrics are like I wrote them. My feelings are bound up in a ball, but regardless, it's how I feel.....

Stretch

 I'm so exhausted. I have stretched my thoughts and feelings; mind, heart, and soul the last 26 hrs. I know how I feel, but it's still is painful. Tears can't soak my eyes and cheeks anymore, because they are gone. Not that they are invisible, just have no meaning. The salt is there, the moist, blurry eyes. Just can't feel them. I am so tired of asking why. Hindsight is 20/20. Maybe 15/20. It's way too late to feel like this, right? A shimmer, no, a glimmer, maybe yet, a sliver of light faded. Suppose it did long, long ago, but light is eternal. Does it fade or just go away? Can it truly fade once it's seen?

Any Lighthouse is in View

 Learned more in the last 24 hrs than ever in my 48 yrs. Chatting, Reminding, Asking, and most Beautifully, Gracefully, Being Herself... dork

Mother's Day

 Happy Mother's Day, you mother. Great old saying we guys used to tell each other on Mother's Day. But seriously, Happy Mother's Day to you real Moms!
 My mom died from cancer on January 2, 2000. Of course I miss her very much, and her painful death made me even more bitter toward, well, life in general. Why would someone so innocent and kind be subjected to such punishment? No one can truly answer that throbbing question, even though many Bible thumpers try, they really don't and can't know. Only the Father knows.
 But why? Honestly. Obviously, her death did not help my drinking. I hit it hard during and after her suffering. I asked why and drank to forget and remember. Hell, I just drank no matter what. But now I had a real excuse, right?

A Few Days Off

 Hi all. I have taken a couple of days off from my blog. I have no excuse, just not going too well around here, and I refuse to turn this blog into a cry baby, sympathy getting ploy. We simply need to work some things out in our home, and we are. It's painful, but we can do it. This blog does help, but so much is happening, I need to focus on keeping my temper cool right now...

May Day

 May Day! May Day! May Day! I've always wondered what that meant, and where the saying came from. It actually comes from a French phrase venez m'aider, meaning 'come help me'. Nothing to do with the 1st of May, the communist "Labor Day".
 Anyway, I need to put out an SOS. Wait, Where did that term come from? It was ...---... in morse code, then later attached "save our ship" and/or "save our souls", just for a reminder if someone couldn't remember the ...---...code. Really?? How can you forget that?
  I stumbled and drank some vodka yesterday. I'm a loser. I am so pissed and depressed over my failure. The great news is, I can start over.......