It's My Friday

 Well, I drive to Seattle tonight to deliver some junk for the Feds, then pick some up headed for Salt Lake City. Same old thing, just a different night. Except this is my Friday! I'm going to come home and spend the day with Khloe. Oh ya, I have to meet my brother-in-law in town for some chores, but then I want to BBQ tomorrow too. I hope the wind doesn't blow too hard. Dang I need to get my F250 running, and my '64 Chev. Corey wants to go golfing Monday. I will do that! I haven't gone in over a month. A lot to do, and never enough time, help, or money.
No big deal! I just need to keep my I on the prize. I will get done what I can...

How To Keep a Fire Going

 Well, I was going to be silent today. I thought maybe I would hide my frustration. With a lot of things. How does that happen? I'm trying to figure it out. I think it's because I'm being selfish. I was doing some chores while watching Khloe this afternoon, and I felt like the world was closing in on me. No one else, just me.
 But Why does it happen? That's one I have yet to figure out. Am I missing the reason why? Is it the same reason as how? Maybe, but in this adventure of making a new me, I tend to over-think things. I think.

Will Spring Be Here Soon?

 As I sit here with Khloe, I'm looking out my living room bay window down over the Wenas Valley. Can't see Mt. Rainier or Mt. Adams today. Cloud covered and snowing another 18 to 36 inches up there again. Does the weather really affect my mood? It's really not too bad here today. 56 and partly cloudy, my wild plum and nectarines are blooming. Pretty nice.
 Would I feel a bit better if it was 82 and sunny? Great question, I ask myself. But then I look back down at my granddaughter, and realize HERE is my sunshine. Daily dose of Vitamin E!!
 Am I setting myself up for a huge fall if, God forbid, anything was to happen to her? Probably but I am supposed to dive in whole hearted, right?

Keep Trying

 I took a couple of days off from writing in my blog. Easter weekend. We had a great time with the kids. It's such a strange feeling buying Easter Baskets then realizing your kids are 19 and 20 years old! Then again, we still have my little nieces Kaitlynn and Lily, and of course, Khloe. It was her 1st Easter. Being less than two months old at the 1st Easter is kind of a bummer, but we got some awesome pictures.                                                     I didn't drink any hard liquor, either!! Just Rolling Rock beer.

 Any way, I have been thinking more about the future, mostly the immediate future. We are struggling financially, but are ok. That pressure does not help when a person is trying to change, but the show must go on, break a leg, go get'em and all that positive crap...

Things Will Be Ok

 I slept in a bit this afternoon. I wanted to go down and have my studded tires taken off and regular season tires put on. Oh well, as it happens, Corey took of to the Tri-Cities with my work stuff in the back of the Jeep anyway. Poor kid had to turn around and drive back home. Well, he didn't have to, but he has an extreme case of intuition. So it worked out for the best anyway. I have a hole the size of the Grand Canyon in one of my studded tires, so I needed the Jeep to go to work!
 The point here is, no one gives a sh*t about what happens to you during times of troubles. It does seem that the small stuff builds up to big deals, though. People do give a sh*t about how you react to things. It's been so easy to get angry, depressed, stressed, etc. about crap. I fed and changed Khloe, and spent about 45 minutes of gaga-googoo time with her. then I thought,"Why not just look around and say to yourself, Things Will Be Ok..."

Frustration Sets In

 Even though I believe things are getting better, I fall down a couple rungs of the ladder.
 I don't need to explain the financial situation most everyone is in, but ours is pretty dire. My employer found a way to basically eliminate and even take back part of a Federally mandated raise. I am barely making ends meet. And, again, I don't need to explain how that can make a person want to soak in self-pity, and then dry out with hard booze. I will just keep my family and new addition, Khloe, in mind. I have to drive to Seattle tonight, and try to keep my chin up.

Absorbing the Moments

 Now that I have two adult children, I know now how quickly the time flies.
 It seems like yesterday Sarah and Corey were hunting Easter eggs (they probably still will this weekend!). So, I have been soaking in every second I can with Khloe. I even wake up early to spend a couple of precious hours with her, helping her mom a bit. She is the first thing that crosses my mind.
 I need to use this time wisely, as well. I'm trying to change my bitter view on life. Khloe's face helps. Sarah, Corey, and Shel's do as well, but this is different. I have an opportunity to change, and change ME first. That will shine through to all around me in the long run...

Goofy

 Khloe is very happy and healthy. Is this why I nicknamed her "Goofy"? Yes! She smiles at us and is such a great baby. Of course she gets cranky, but it's real simple to figure out why. She's either hungry, has dirty a diaper, or a sour tummy.
Using the joy I have when I think of her is changing me, just not over night. I still probably drink too much, but I know I am slowing down, and I am afraid of quitting cold turkey, with or without help. And I don't claim to be another Charlie Sheen, healing myself. But I want to try this way. Expressing myself on a blog, and knowing I am trying to do the right thing.

 So next time I think I need hard liquor, I think of my GOOFY...

Using the Time Wisely

 Now that I'm a grandfather again, I find myself absorbed with the thoughts of Khloe, and how I told myself to "be guarded" on getting too attached. Losing Sophia was just to much for all of us.
 But, of course, we go on.
 Our family has taken a lot of hits in the local paper's obituary section lately, including my father.
 But, of course, we go on.
 I do not want people to think I am the only one who has been forced to grind through the day, but I just choose to express what I know about my feelings here. I have not totally hidden my anxiety and defeat, but 95% is suppressed.

 So now that I have thrown out the "be guarded" plan, I struggle, sometimes, with my concentration (except when driving my truck). I am learning to funnel my love and euphoria over Khloe, to a place that makes me a better person. I guess some would say that's a sign of low self-esteem, but I define it as my old "who gives a shit" attitude from my past; distant and not-so distant. But, none the less, I know I am changing slowly, real slowly, but a change anyway...

How Khloe is Changing This Bitter Soul

 Khloe Ryanne came into my life on Monday, March 7th, 2011. It was a cool, late winter day, and I was hung over from Black Label Scotch the night before. I took my daughter, wife, and Sean, Khloe's father, to the OB/GYN, and he told her to go next door to the hospital and check in.
 It was time.
 I felt so nervous for Sarah, my daughter, as she lost my first granddaughter from complications due to premature birth.
 Sophia Nahomish died at Seattle Children's Hospital, and it was devastating. I feel terrible to this day that I was not there that horrible morning...
 Memorial Hospital in Yakima would not allow more than 3 people with the expecting mother, so I volunteered to go home and wait. I was hung over, remember?
  Khloe's term in the womb was a very guarded, cautious pregnancy. I prayed daily, hourly, every time I could. Sarah had obvious problems carrying babies to their full term. Drugs, diet, and rest assisted the health of Khloe at birth.
 After a few hours, I got the call that I was a Grandpa. I was still so nervous, I could feel my heart about to explode. I couldn't breathe. Great. Another panic attack. I went to the local florist, then to the hospital.

 There she was. She was not even one hour old. The nurses were fussing over her, giving shots, cleaning, placing ointment on her not-yet-opened eyes. 6lbs, 4oz. What a relief! She was crying when a nurse would poke or prod her. Another good sign...